Still nothing...

I got nothin', guys.

Still waiting to hear from Barker about our CPS clearances. How long can it possibly take to look us up and say, "Nope. Not child abusers!"? I know I should get used to this. This is what adoption is. Waiting, waiting and more waiting. It's hard to be patient. I've already been patient for two years.

I think another reason that I'm so antsy is that I've tied having a child with getting to quit my job. It makes me completely miserable and I am literally counting the minutes until I can walk away from it. This sounds incredibly selfish, and it is, but there you have it. I really can't wait to be a housewife, and I almost feel like Barker is holding me up. I could really quit any time, but I feel like I should contribute as much income to the family as possible while I can. Still have those student loans to pay off, after all.

I think I need to set myself a separation date from work that is not tied to adoption in any way. Maybe then I won't feel so anxious about them both at the same time. But man, the waiting is tough! I just want my baby home! Is that really so much to ask?

Klobuchar Bill: Petition2Congress.

Adoption comes with a special set of challenges, and not all families who adopt can afford to pay for post-adoption counseling and other services to help meet and overcome those challenges. Thankfully, the government has a program for federal assistance for post-adoption services for families who have adopted domestically. Senator Klobuchar of Minnesota has proposed a bill that would extend those benefits to families of internationally adopted children. Any child adopted internationally becomes a US citizen upon completion of the adopt process, yet they are allowed no access to these post-adoption programs and services.

The bill proposed by Senator Klobuchar does not raise taxes, or create anything new. It simply allows a wider range of families access to an existing stream of funding. Signing the petition is easy and quick. Get the word out and help families of adopted children get access to post-adoption services, regardless of the country they were born in!

A small start.

We have a lot of cleaning and organizing to do before our first kid comes home.We have some buffer time to get things done since we aren't finished with the homestudy yet. (Grr. I'll rant about that another time. But seriously, how long do CPS clearances take?! It's been over six freaking weeks!) Once we finish the homestudy, however, our "time to kid" will be highly variable. Could be a week, could be 13 months, could be anything in between. So we've been trying to get housework done, one small project at a time, wedged in between house-guests and summer travels. It's not as easy as it sounds. I'm exhausted and we have so much left to do.

This weekend we made a good start, though. I cleaned out the closet in the second bedroom and the linen closet, and Allen made a really good start on the attic. We also gave away a ton of crap (hooray for Freecycle!) and loaded the car for an as-yet-untaken trip to Goodwill. I am behind on literally everything - correspondence (both email and handwritten), phone calls (both personal and business), cleaning, organizing, crafting (don't get me started on how far behind I am on knitting projects...) and work (oh, work... when will I be able to walk away from you?), and I'm starting to feel so overwhelmed that shut-down mode is hovering in the wings. I'm trying to do just one small thing a week, even if it doesn't get completely finished. I'm hoping that strategy will save both my sanity and Allen's. He has to put up with me after all.

My house is a mess.

I think everyone knows how I feel about a messy house. It drives me up the wall. I'm a little reticent to discuss it because I don't want Allen to rush home tonight and start cleaning, thinking that he's failed in some husband duty. Nothing could be further from the truth, and I'm sure as shit not cleaning right now (I'm writing blog posts and... "working"). We just missed Spring Cleaning - by about 3 months - and we're just now starting to tackle it at Chez Parker. We have so many projects to do, it feels a little overwhelming. We have to re-organize and clean out the basement closets and attic. They are both out of control. Uh-gain.

We accumulate so much junk and I have no idea how. I'm guilty of saving things I probably shouldn't - mostly craft stuff. Ticket stubs from our metro trips in Japan (scrapbook!), leftover fabric bits (quilts! aprons! random sewing projects!). I accumulate craft projects the way most people accumulate... I have no idea. I can't finish that metaphor as I have no comparison for what anyone would collect so many of, knowing full well she won't get to most of them in her lifetime. But I digress.

In addition to re-organizing, I desperately need to reconfigure out room arrangements. We re-arranged the basement over the weekend with the help (and design input!) of a good friend, and it's a much more efficient use of the space. The main problem areas are our living room and bedrooms. The living room is cluttered. I put a "reading nook" in, but the space is so small that it overwhelms the whole room. And the dining room table just seems in the way. The second bedroom is currently a guest room and craft room, but soon(-ish) it will have to be a nursery and I have no idea where the futon, sewing machine and table , and storage shelves are going to go. Not to mention the closet in there looks like our sheets and towels are procreating like bunnies.

After I figure out where everything will go, next is painting. The paint in the bedrooms is flaking and peeling and needs a fresh coat. The living room looks fine, but I'm not crazy about the color. It's a dark blue/gray which is pretty, but makes the room feel even smaller than it is. The kitchen/office is white, which seems safest, but a bit boring. The upstairs bedrooms are pale yellow, but each a different shade (which is weird). I have no idea why people who live in small houses paint each room a different color. It makes the space look SMALLER, people! Uniformity is the key to opening up the space! Has no one seen HGTV?!

I did finish one small project yesterday. I took inventory of and reorganized my yarn stash. I pared it down a smidge, but only because I got a huge influx of yarn from a friend who just reorganized her stash. The thing about yarn (and so many other things), is that I buy it (or get it as a gift) thinking that I'll use it for X project, or not even with a specific project in mind - just the thought that it's so beautiful, I'll figure something out for it! When the reality of the situation is that I have so much yarn (and knit so slowly) that I will never (ever) knit through everything I have before it goes out of style, even if I stopped buying yarn altogether for the next several years. Right now, though, I am concentrating on Christmas knitting, and working through some of the yarn I have stashed for that. A lot of my Christmas knitting is for little people, so hopefully it will go fast. But at least it's organized until then.

So, long story short: I have a lot of cleaning to do.

Tattoos

I totally love tattoos. I only have one, but I have ideas for at least two more I'd like to get. I've put it off for a number of reasons: 1. They are expensive. It seems frivolous to spend money on body art when I have student loans to pay off (not to mention adoption costs). 2. We were trying to get pregnant and having a potential source of infection didn't seem like a great idea. 3. I hadn't found the right shop/artist. 4. I'm not totally happy with my body right now, so decorating it isn't high on my list of priorities.

So, since we're adopting, number 2 isn't applicable, and a friend just got an awesome tattoo from an amazing artist in NYC, so 3 isn't applicable any more either. The tattoo I want goes on my ankle, and luckily, my ankles aren't as... well padded... as the rest of me, so 4 is moot, too. The amazing artist has a 6 month wait list, which puts a small damper on things. So it's looking like maybe I might get a tattoo soon (except for the money part, but it's a small one so it shouldn't be terribly expensive. *famous last words*).

But.

In my effort to avoid being productive at work today (a.k.a. trolling the Internet for something interesting), I discovered that tattoo ink may not be vegan. What?! I saw an ad for a shop in Seattle that advertised "VEGAN INKS!". Which means other ink isn't vegan?! What the what?! What can possibly go into tattoo ink to make it not vegan?? My mind is officially boggled.

So, Mom? You can relax now. No new tattoos for a while. sigh

Almost there...

I talked to the domestic program assistant at Barker. Our paperwork is officially complete, minus the CPS clearances. We're still waiting for those to come in, but we're not the only ones. (There are several families waiting on those, according to Barker.) They can take a while too, so I'm not too fussed about it yet.

We are thisclose to scheduling our social worker visits! (But man was I off about the "we're going to be done by mid-June!" estimate...)

The flood of adorable baby things.

Is it too early to start looking at this stuff?? This is going to sound weird, but I get a little superstitious about this kind of thing. I want to start buying baby clothes and planning a nursery and all that, but I'm just a teensy bit scared that if I do, maybe it will never happen. Or if I do and it *doesn't* happen, I'll be all the more heartbroken as a result... What can I say - these are the weird things that run through your head when you go down this road. Or maybe it's just me.

Having said all that, there is just *way* too much adorable baby stuff out there to ignore. I'm not buying any of it. Yet. I'm cataloging. I'm putting it here so I don't forget about it later when it's relevant for us to be buying and decorating and planning. And also, it's super cute! Did I mention that part?



Winnie the Pooh and Christoper Robin as Chewbacca and Han Solo?! Adorable! And you can get the prints on onesies! James Hance (the artist) has re-imagined some of the best pop culture. Brilliantly, I think.



I am in love with forest-themed vinyl wall decals. L-O-V-E. (The one above is from Etsy, and I particularly love the pink blossoms...) I am currently in the process of locating (and tagging for future reference) trees, mushrooms and owls for our future nursery. I just have to figure out what color to paint the walls...

I am obsessed with this diaper bag by Petunia Pickle Bottom: Cake Society Satchel diaper bag with fold out changing pad!

I have an entire page of links for baby stuff I find too cute for words, but I guess I'll start slow so as to not scare anyone with the amount of time I spend looking at adorable baby stuff. More - lots and lots more - to come!

"Getting to that age..."

This qualifies as one of the worst statements to make to a woman.

Luckily, my oldest friend was the one who said it, so I know she meant it as a preventative statement and not as a "you're getting old" statement.

There are so many things I find unfair about aging. None of this is new - I think all women find these things unfair. The sagging of once perky appendages, the graying of hairs, the slowing metabolism, the fact that men get "distinguished" with age while women just get old. One of the most ridiculous things, I think, is the fact that I still break out like a teenager. My mother said this once when I was younger, and I didn't really get it until recently: "If you think breaking out sucks, trying getting pimples and wrinkles at the same time. That's unfair." Amen, Mama. Amen.

I am now officially up to 5 known gray hairs. Not that you'll ever see them on my head. I rip those little interlopers right out as soon as they are visible. And I search through my hair nightly like a monkey looking for fleas to find them before they get too long. When there are too many to pull out without leaving a bald spot? Hello, hair dye. My old friend.

The weird thing is, I have no idea how I got to this age. Yes, yes. I know. Passage of time, etc. What I mean is, I feel like is was just last week that I was 22 and now, here I am, 34. I feel like so much of my life happened while I wasn't paying attention. I strive - as we all do, I'm sure - to not take my life for granted. To revel in each precious moment and not get bogged down by the stupidity or pettiness. But I am an imperfect being, and I think I rarely live up to my potential. I'm not really sure how to remedy that. Am I living to my fullest potential with my current job? (No.) If I quit and become a stay-at-home-wife-and-mother, is that my fullest potential? (Maybe.) If I talk Allen into chucking it all and traveling the world, volunteering for various causes and experiencing as much as we can of what the world has to offer? (Maybe, but it'll never happen. Plus, I am not overly fond of witnessing human suffering.)

As we get closer and closer to adopting, and I get closer and closer to my now-dreaded birthday, my mind goes into overdrive. I have so many fears about raising a child, but I think I just need to take a deep breath, relax, and remember that I'm going to do my best. Which is all anyone can do. And if my best isn't good enough? Well, thankfully, I married someone better than me.

Rolling In The Deep

My friend Kim put this up on Facebook, and I am in love. New music has to be the best benefit of social media. ::scurries off to buy album...::

Are we there yet?

We sent off for our DMV driving records from Virginia and South Carolina last week, and, shockingly, we got them both in by Saturday. South Carolina is silly about it though. If you want to order your records online, you have to know your drive's license number, the address on the face of the driver's license , and the date the license was issued. After I tracked down my license number (no easy feat in itself, given that I traded it in for a VA license almost four years ago), I called to see if they would tell me the rest of the information. Turns out they can't because it's a privacy issue. Granted, they don't ask you to prove who you are, so I guess it's a good thing that they don't give out your info to the first person that calls with your DL number, but it seems like they could just ask for some other identifying info. On the other hand, they will let you guess and tell you if you are correct. I "guessed" the address fairly quickly - it could only be one of two - but the issue date was a bit harder. Luckily I have a good memory and vaguely remembered going to the DMV after I bought my townhouse in Clemson. I guessed a month and year, which were both correct, but I needed the day, too. I guessed late in the month. "Higher," she said. "The 28th?". "Higher." "The 30th?" "Correct." That seems like half-assed "security" to me, but hey, I'm not complaining. It was faster than filling out a form and mailing it in.

So, now we have our driving records and employment verification letters in hand. We just have to print out our tax return and sworn disclosure statement tonight, and I need to write up our evacuation plan. (As one friend hilariously put it: "Evacuation plan? How about 'run out the door'?") Everything will go in the mail tomorrow. I want to tell you that then, finally, we'll be done, but my experience has been that every time I say that, something new crops up. So I'm just keeping my mouth shut about it. I'm sure I'll have a story about something else we need next week. ::Sigh:: I know we are thisclose to being done and well on our way to our first baby, but man, oh man is this paperwork frustrating.

Baby blogs I love: Oh Dear Drea.

Oh Dear Drea is a blog written by a single mama in southern Florida. In addition to sharing my home state, she is also a vegan mama. In fact, she has a group of posts called "Diet Water" that feature recipes and no-nonsense advice for living a fresh, healthy (mostly) vegan lifestyle. In fact, we made the guest posted risotto recipe for dinner last night and it was a freaking smash hit! (Fair warning: if you make this as your main course, make a double recipe. We did and still had almost nothing leftover...) Tonight we're trying her Bread Garlic Soup. Yum...

While I feel like I have a lot in common with Drea, (She's crafty too!), her life is very different from my own, and I really appreciate seeing the single parenting side of the coin, as it were. She seems like a fun and spunky girl, and I love the pictures she posts of her adventures. Another thing I love about her blog is how realistic she is. She doesn't fill everything with sunshine and rainbows, and lets you into the challenges and hardships that come along with life. I really appreciate how honest she can be.

Go check her out. She's a fun read.

A different story every. Single. Time.

::deep breath::

I'm trying to be patient. Trying to take deep breaths and realize that I'm in a heightened emotional state right now, and I should not do anything without first taking a deep, calming breath, and then waiting and extra 10 minutes before I attempt anything that requires logic or rational thinking/behavior.

But man, oh man. Is Barker making it hard.

I called to check in with them again today about where we are in our paperwork. I spoke directly with the Domestic Program assistant and thankfully did not have to rely on voicemail or email. As far as paperwork outside of our control, we are still waiting on our CPS clearances. That's to be expected, though, so not a big deal. However. It turns out we are also missing a sworn disclosure agreement, our DMV records, a copy of our 2010 tax return and employment verification letters from our HR department. FOR REAL?! Um, maybe I'm missing something here, but HOW THE *&#@ WERE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW WE NEEDED THESE THINGS?!

::deep breath::

Barker includes a checklist of all the paperwork you need, and I can say, unequivocally, that those things were NOT ON OUR LIST! Maybe we got an old list? Maybe there is a second page to the list that was left out? Who knows. But Barker has not once bothered to call us (or email! I'm good about email!) to inform us we were missing important items. This is what frustrates me the most about Barker. Their utter and complete lack of communication. Or maybe I should call it one-way communication, since I call them and send stuff in to them all the goddamn time. But here's the rub. I can't complain about it. If this were a business I was paying for a service (oh, wait. it totally is!), I would ask to speak to a manager and complain bitterly about the ridiculousness of the communication. But there isn't anyone to complain to. And these people, quite literally, hold our future and our future child in their hands. I feel like complaining would possibly, maybe put us at the bottom of the pile, or have our paperwork otherwise "lost". I realize this is unfair. Barker adheres to strict regulating standards, and I can't believe that anyone there would sabotage our attempt to adopt just because I complained about their total lack of communication. But still.

I should also point out that the domestic program assistant is the sweetest girl you have ever met and yelling at her would just feel wrong. Like kicking a puppy. Maybe that's Barker's real plan. They know they don't tell you jack-shit about what you need to do to actually pass your homestudy, but they put the softest-spoken, sweetest girl imaginable on the other end of the phone line so that you can't call them out on their bullshit.

Clearly, I am frustrated today. And now I'm off to track down more paperwork. I am going to be doing a lot of swearing today. F-bombs are dropping like flies in this house.

"I still have a tattoo to get..."

The Dresden Dolls... My new favorite song. Amanda Palmer is just amazing.