A good start.

I jumped a big hurdle yesterday in my work block. I finished a case that had been plaguing me for weeks and it felt really good. I have meetings all day today, but I really need to keep the momentum going so I can salvage the tattered remnants of my career before they blow away on the breeze. One case down, 213 to go. Roughly.

In other news, I'm a bit irked at Barker. I've left voicemails and sent emails asking some pretty relevant questions about our paperwork and have gotten zero response. I did this last week, so you'd think I'd have heard something by now. In fact, the only thing I have heard from them is that we owe them $2,000 for the privledge of the in-person interview.

...

If you have the chutzpah to send me a bill for two grand for talking to someone for an hour, you damn well better return my freaking phone calls. Even therapists for super-mega-wealthy people don't charge that. I'm just sayin'. I've been wavering on whether to call them again. I hate to be "that girl" who calls all the time, but my sweet friend pointed out that we essentially hired them to do a job and are paying them accordingly and as such, they should be communicating with us. So, I'm calling them today. And every day until someone answers my questions.

I'm a little worried that I'm over-reacting as a result of being in a heightened emotional state. We've been on emotional "Orange" for a while now,  so I try to temper my reactions accordingly. But since these questions have to do with the paperwork that we are sending to them this week, and getting something wrong on said paperwork means delays and set-backs, well, I think it's okay to be pissed that they seem to have lost my number.

Definitely calling them today.

Signed, sealed, but not yet delivered.

The 'V' key on my laptop is sticking. It's getting pretty irritating. I may have to pry the key off and see if I can figure out what's wrong. Or, you may have to endure words missing the 'v'...

This past week was the "week of getting paperwork together". I already filled it all out, but we had to get things notarized, and we had to get fingerprinted. We also still need to get physicals, but the appointments are already made.

Our first stop last week was for fingerprinting. I had an inkling that this was going to be an issue since I had to go back and get re-printed 4 times before I could get clearance at my job. I was irritated at the time, but now I know the reason. Apparently, my fingers are a mess. I have scars and creases on my pads - the result of a combination of dry (extremely dry) skin and years of abuse. I do a lot with my hands: I routinely cut my fingernails down to the quick, I knit, sew, scrapbook - all manner of dexterous activities - I waited tables for years in college, I cook (and therefore burn my fingers) frequently, and I spent about 4 years doing dishes by hand every single day. (Don't ask.)

In the end, the fingerprint tech had to re-take my prints about 3 or 4 times. There were a few fingers that simply would not register an acceptable print, and in the end, she was forced to write "best prints possible" on my fingerprint card. I have a feeling that's going to come back as not okay. Allen's prints, on the other hand (ha), were perfect. We also learned a few interesting facts: fingerprints are only meaningful if you've been arrested in the last 12 months, and there is no national database of fingerprints in the US. I know! TV lied to us! Though I'm still convinced that the FBI has something in the way of permanent records... Just sayin'.

The notary was much easier. Three documents, $2 each and we're done. Two money orders for CPS stuff and fingerprint stuff and we're done. I think we'll likely send off a packet to Barker of what we have so far, and then send off our medical forms separately next week.

One of our references mentioned that they received their forms yesterday, so I imagine all of our references should hear from Barker soon, if they haven't already. Once all our forms are in, and all our references are in, we'll start scheduling appointments with the social worker for home visits and interviews. The main take-away point is: I expect us to be done with our homestudy by mid-June at the latest. In the meantime, I've also been collecting photos to start our profile scrapbook. I need to do a quick perusal of my scrapbooking supplies, but on the whole, I think I've got everything I need. It's all starting to come together pretty fast and I couldn't be more excited about it.

Man, you never realize how many times you use 'v' until the damn key starts malfunctioning...

Tired and unmotivated.

I have not been getting enough sleep. I've been staying up late and sleeping in as a result, and it has to stop. I am also really, really unmotivated at work. That also needs to stop. I keep telling myself that next week will be different, but thus far, that has not been true. I'm really tired of being tired. I feel like most of my adult life has been me saying, "I'm tired." I think it has to do with the complete lack of exercise. Gotta get on that.

I feel a certain amount of pressure to stay at my job as long as possible to pay off student loans and rebuild savings. But I have a list of (literally) 50 other things that need to be done/I'd rather be doing. The bad news is that I sit in front of my computer all day goofing around on the Internet because I feel like if I sit at my desk, I'll do work. (Which is untrue.) Consequently, neither my work nor my housework gets done. It's a vicious cycle. If I'm not going to do my work, I should at least be doing something else productive. But the minute I start I feel bad for abandoning my desk. This will be moot in a few more months, but how do I make it until then?

I need to climb out of this funk and get to work.

A hope-full day.

This is not a political blog, nor do I ever intend it to be. I try, on the whole, to stay out of politics. I have issues that I'm passionate about, to be sure, but I try very hard to not force my opinions on anyone. But, as it's my little corner of the Interwebs, I really wanted to share this video from the Minnesota State Legislature. Rep. Steve Simon is so eloquent and so logical and rational in his argument. He does something that my sister is great about doing: he poses a question and asks each of us to explore the answer, in degrees, for ourselves. In a time, maybe even an era at this point, of political, economic and occasionally personal turmoil, his message is one that fills me with hope. He envisions a future of justice and righteousness that includes everyone. You know that flutter in your chest when the orchestra swells and your heart feels like it will leap out of your chest with joy? That's how I felt watching his speech. (Also, props to the separation of church and state.)

"How many gay people must God create before we accept that he wants them around?"

Crazy dreams.

I had a dream last night that I took a pregnancy test and it came up positive. I got really excited so I took another and it was positive, too, but the indicator was weird. I said something like "near peak" instead of just being a plus sign. I looked again and realized I had been taking ovulation predictor tests. I felt really embarrassed and let down and I tried to sweep everything in the trash before Allen saw so his hopes wouldn't get raised.

It was such a weird dream. Allen couldn't care less about having a biological child. He prefers adoption. He wouldn't say no to a bio kid, obviously, but it was such an irrational thing for dream-me to worry about given that real-him doesn't put much stock in biology.

This is part of the reason I didn't want to go down the "infertility" path. First: You can't un-know. Once you know something is actually wrong with you, it gnaws at your brain. Even when you are asleep. Second: It puts me in this weird limbo of kind of mourning not being able to get pregnant but also really excited about adoption. It makes me feel a bit defensive when I talk to people about adoption because it isn't a last resort for us. It's not like we tried and tried and tried and finally "gave up". We always wanted to adopt. But because I have investigated the reasons behind not getting pregnant, I feel like I have to justify myself.

Would I like to get pregnant? Of course. Do I need to get pregnant? Absolutely not. I'm going to chalk this up to jitters since we are finally and irrevocably on our way to adopting. Our paperwork is almost finished - just need a few fingerprints and physicals. So maybe this is just my crazy brain getting excited about adopting but scared that it will fall through? I'm actually willing to bet that's it. I got pregnant and had a miscarriage, so maybe I'm a little scared that we might have an adoptive miscarriage, too.

At any rate, I'm just feeling lucky that I didn't accidentally wet the bed after a long, drawn out dream about peeing on a stick. That would have been tough to explain.

Crisis.

I found a gray hair. In my bangs.

That dog won't hunt, Monsignor.

A problem of perception.

The girl I see in my head and the girl I see in the mirror don't match. I know this is a common problem for women (and men!) in general, but I sort of just realized the gap in my perception. It's pretty large.

In my head, I am young, trim, dare I say sexy? In my head I see a girl from around 2003. She weighed less than I do, she was confident. She loved shopping for clothes.

The girl in the mirror? Not so much. It's kind of backwards from typical perception issues. Most women see themselves as fat and ugly when they are not. 

But the sad truth of the matter is that I am overweight. I've been overweight for a while now, but I kept thinking this issue would rectify itself. I went vegan, and though it wasn't the primary reason, I figured I'd lose some weight as a result. Maybe the fact that I haven't means I am doing it right? Either that or I love food a little too much. I've also been using conception as an excuse to avoid getting in shape. I kept thinking I would get pregnant and I'd need to stop working out anyway, so I might as well just be proactive in my laziness.

Now that we are starting our homestudy, officially, I have realized that it's time to stop making excuses and get off my butt. I'm tired of being overweight. I'm tired of my clothes not fitting right, and I'm tired of dressing like a slob to hide how ashamed I am of my body. I swore up and down that I wouldn't be one of those moms who look tired and disheveled all the time, but I look tired and disheveled all the time anyway! It's time to put the excuses away and be the person I want to be.

The girl in my head and the one in the mirror can be the same girl. Now I'm off to the gym. Right after I finish this cupcake... (hah)