What ifs.

They are so unproductive and yet, I find myself playing out crazy scenarios day after day. The most common is what if something happens to Allen and I am stuck all by myself with a baby to raise, a mortgage and a car payment, and my only recourse is a job I absolutely loathe? This has been a big thing with me lately. I have seriously been obsessing about "what if something bad happens to Allen". If he's late home from work, I start to worry that he got hit by some crazy commuter. "Will they know to call me?"

I've also been obsessing, just a ton teensy bit, about losing the baby. I had a miscarriage before, I have friends and friends of friends who had their babies way too early (so far, knock on wood, with positive outcomes), and know of several women who had late term miscarriages. I'm far enough along in my pregnancy that Butterbean is a reality to me now. My bulging belly (and crazy hormones) and the kicks I feel from inside remind me all the time. I think it's that I feel so wildly out of control. I'm doing everything I can to have a healthy pregnancy, but if something happens, there isn't anything I can do to prevent it. I know, logically, that control is an illusion. But that doesn't make it easier to give up.

So instead, I've been obsessing about worst-case scenarios. It's driving me insane, and is making it hard to focus and function. I need to find my way back to the place where I can concentrate on the things I can accomplish and let go of the things that are outside my sphere of influence. Anyone have any ideas on how to do that?

Oh, right. I remember now. "Don't anticipate". Easier said than done!

That was easier than I expected.

I broke up with our Chantilly midwives yesterday. I chickened out and sent an email, though. After the ugliness with my OB, I just didn't want to deal with any more drama so I took the passive-aggressive way out.

Turns out, my fears were totally unfounded. The midwives were so kind and gracious, and were nothing but understanding and helpful about the whole transition. Had they been more local to us, I doubt I would have switched, especially knowing what I know now. They wished us the best and invited us to come back for their open house and asked if we would send pictures once Butterbean makes his entrance.

I guess it goes to show you, midwives are a whole different breed, and a completely different model of care. I feel incredibly lucky to be able to use a midwife for the birth of my baby.

Oof. A dilemma.

I really didn't see this coming.

I got a call from the Birthcare center near us - when I say near, I mean 1 mile away. I called them originally in August about getting into the midwife practice for Butterbean's pre-natal care and birth. They only take 25 births per month, and I was number nine on the waiting list. So I was completely unprepared for them to call me yesterday and offer me a spot in their practice.

I like our current midwives, but it's not like I have some deep spiritual connection with them. I feel a little bit flaky for considering the move, but Birthcare is so much more convenient. First, it's super close to us. No worries about a 45 minute drive to the birthing center. I could walk there if I really wanted. (But that option is not on the table right now.) And, as an even bigger bonus, our insurance accepts them as a care provider! Our current midwives don't qualify because they are "certified professional midwives" rather than "certified nurse midwives". The midwives at Birthcare are CNMs.

While they've never pushed it on us, I have also been vaguely uncomfortable with our current midwives religious affiliations. There seems to be a big focus on "God's plan" on their website, and while I think that they are entitled to their own beliefs, I don't share them. In fact, not only do they seem to be fairly religious, their practice seems heavily weighted with fairly religious people. I can name four people off the top of my head at that practice that have more than eight children, for example. That's pretty rare outside certain religious ideologies. Having said that, however, I think it might also be a sampling bias. Certain religious groups prefer to labor and deliver with midwives, for a variety of reasons, so it's not necessarily that the practice as a whole is religiously oriented.

It's entirely possible that I am trying to justify changing providers and using unfair criteria. Our current midwives have been nothing but kind and caring, and haven't made us feel uncomfortable in any way. Well, other than a brief (and entirely incorrect) lecture about nutrition. But having just gone through an ugly incident of alienation with my OB, I am a little gun shy about changing. But that kind of makes me mad, too. Why should I be afraid to change to something that's easier and more convenient for me and my family?!

We went to an open house at the Birthcare center last night, too. They gave us until Friday to decide about changing, and I wanted to tour and meet at least one of the midwives before we decided. We kind of lucked out that they happened to have an open house. We've been to the center before - our Bradley Method birthing classes are held there - but we've never met the midwives or seen the offices and birthing rooms. The birthing rooms are small, and there are only two of them. The NOVA birthing center that our current midwives just opened is much bigger and nicer. The midwife we met last night was knowledgeable, patient, friendly and open. I don't know if I've ever met a midwife I didn't like, come to think of it. We really liked her, so she was kind of the icing on the cake. One of the best things about the new place is, in the event of a catastrophic snowstorm, they can actually come to me! She had no qualms about traveling to us if we got snowed in, and made a point to tell us that they would do whatever we felt comfortable with - come to us, meet us at the hospital, whatever. Our current midwives kind of made me feel like I was on my own in the event of a snowstorm.

So, after careful consideration, we're changing. It just makes sense logistically and financially, and I feel much more comfortable with my options in case of emergency. Now comes the hard part... "Breaking up" with my current midwives.

I spoke too soon.

An exchange from a recent birthing class:

Instructor: "Who has been feeling really hormonal?"
All the women in the class: raise hands
Allen: whispers to me "No, you've been fine."

Oh my poor, sweet husband. How those four little words came back to haunt you.

I had an epic meltdown last week. I mean like Lord of The Rings extended cut movie marathon epic. This was my first really hormonal completely-lose-all-reason episode, so I think I'm still doing okay overall, but man... It was not pretty in this house for a good 12 hours.

It wasn't even anything specific. I was frustrated with work (not unusual), but for some reason, I could not stop crying and every tiny little thing set off a fresh round of hysterics. We're trying to adjust our mortgage rate and the APR went up from 2.75 to 2.875? Crying. The VW dealership is sending out a guy to repair our windshield and he isn't here yet? Tears. My computer settings are wonky because we got new hardware at work? Meltdown. My brother got a new iPhone 4s? Hysterics.

I wish I was making that up. But all of them are true. Welcome to pregnancy. These are the things no one tells you. Yes, you'll be hormonal, but no one told me what that meant. So, ladies who intend to get pregnant for the first time, pay attention. You will get hormonal, but being pregnant hormonal is to regular hormonal as being an elephant is to being a mouse. (I dare them to put that on the SATs.) It's a whole other league.

Allen got a crash course in it. He came home to hysterical wife, and held me while I cried about work, the mortgage, the iPhone, the car, not to mention the "what if you die" scenarios I spun out in between sobs. It was a special moment, guys. Here's where Allen once again wins best freaking husband, ever:

Me: sniffling "I also ate all the halva because there was no ice cream in the house."
Allen: "Well, there is now. I brought home cake and ice cream for dessert."
Me: miraculously "I feel better!" tears dry, clouds part, angels sing

A little ice cream goes a long way in this house.

Construction.

Dear County Construction Workers,

I really appreciate the new water main and sewer lines you are working so hard to install. However, since I'm one of the people paying for the job (with my tax money), I'd really appreciate it if you would use the jackhammer to tear up the road after 8 am. It makes my whole house vibrate, wakes me up, and makes me worry that you are scrambling my baby's brains. And while we're on the subject, could you also not park your huge bulldozers and cranes and such right next to my new car? There is a whole street at your disposal, so parking 2 feet away from my bumper was a little unreasonable, I thought.

Thanks,
-Me

This is getting ridiculous.

I can't even tell you the number of people who have stared, slack-jawed, at my belly in the past week and said something along the lines of, "Oh my gosh! You are ready to pop! You were due last week weren't you?!"

Manners are clearly in short supply around these parts.

After I politely inform said obnoxious observer that no, I'm in fact only about 6 months along and not due until February, I get this in return: "Is there more than one in there?!"

Jesus H. Christ, people. I am having ONE baby. One. And I am not actually that big! I look like a normal five to six months pregnant woman! Were you all raised by wolves?! Actually, I take that back. Wolves would be more polite. I'm starting to come up with less polite retorts to these types of observations, so buyer beware. If you see a pregnant woman and you think to yourself, "wow, she looks huge!", please, for the love of all that is holy, keep it to yourself!

Say something nice or shut the hell up. "You look huge!" is not nice. It's not cute, and it makes me feel bad about myself and self-conscious about my belly. I should be proud of my belly! Showing it off! Not trying to hide it under muu-muus because of a few (hopefully) well-meaning clods. Try something along the lines of, "You look great! When are you due?" If you can't manage that, then please, don't say anything at all.

I need to become one of the top 10,000 influential bloggers.

I'm serious, people. We need to make this happen.

The tourism industry in Japan has suffered serious setbacks due to a strong yen, and the earthquake and nuclear power plant snafu from earlier this year. So, to help boost tourism and bring money into the country, the Japanese Tourism Board has decided to give out free flights to Japan to "influential bloggers". The initiative is still waiting for government approval and budgeting, and should be finalized in April, 2012.

So we have until then. Now the challenge... How do I increase readership without pimping myself out too much. A little pimping might be worth it for a free trip to Japan.