A secret.

So, apparently there's a secret about stretch marks that no one tells you. Actually, come to think of it, there are a lot of things about pregnancy that are like that. Little secrets that no one ever tells you that you find out yourself along the way and then you wonder, "Why didn't anyone tell me this?!" Well, I'm blowing the cover off the pregnancy secrets. You heard it here first, folks.

So, stretch marks. Here's the secret about them: they hurt! Okay, okay. Not like agonizing, gut-wrenching pain. More like three day old bruise. But still. Also, you can feel them - with your fingers. I still can't see my stretch marks without a mirror, but if I rub my fingers across my lower belly, I can feel the ridges where the stretch marks have opened. Oh, and? Once those bad boys show up they are like freaking zippers. Ziiiiiiiiiiiip. They start small, but now my lower belly looks like a river delta, with purple-red streaks fanning up towards my belly button. I was so proud of myself for escaping them for more than six months, but now it looks like I'm paying for that delay. I don't know if anyone in the history of stretch marks has gotten this many, this bad. I'm really not kidding when I say they almost completely cover my lower abdomen.

It's not pretty. The vain part of me mourns the loss of the smooth skin of my belly and feels like my skin is ruined. The realistic part of me knows that this is the price I am paying for our son, and I pay it gladly. They'll fade over time, and in the long run, I get a miracle out of the bargain.

P.S. One more pregnancy secret: you will poop while giving birth. Most likely in front of strangers. It's a fact. The baby's head squeezes out whatever is in your intestines on the way out, like toothpaste out of a tube. And someone else will be wiping your butt because you'll still be trying to push out a baby. Maybe that's the real reason for the high c-section rate? Women found out at month seven that they'd poop on a table in front of strangers and said, "Oh hell no!" and opted for a c-section instead? It's certainly tempting... (Kidding. a c-section is major abdominal surgery and I maintain that it should only be used in emergencies. A 40% national average for deliveries via c-section is criminal and dangerous.)