Mother's Day

I'm going to keep this short, since I'd rather be spending time with my children than sitting in front of a computer, but... I feel like I'm becoming a worse mother as my sons get older. I feel like I started out so great. Patient, kind, wise... But now that I have a three year old, who does what all normal three year olds do, and a baby, who does what all normal babies do, I feel like I'm slipping. Not as patient, not as wise. I'm regressing, guys.

I love being a mom. I love, love, love it. I don't regret, for one second, leaving behind a corporate job with a great salary for my new life as a stay-at-home-mom. Sure, the hours are crap, and the pay sucks, but the benefits are outstanding. Hugs and bedtime stories and the smell of freshly washed hair. "Sing it again, Mama." 

Having said all that, I don't always like being a mom.

It's hard! I don't go to the bathroom alone. Ever. I have to gulp down food when I can, and try to be kind and patient while also setting rules and boundaries. I fail. A lot. I succeed sometimes, too, but the failures weigh heavily on my heart. I should have said, "I don't like when you make that face" instead of, "I don't like that face." I should have used a gentler tone of voice. I should remember that he is three, not seventeen. I want to be someone who can say the same thing over and over again and never get screaming, pull-out-my-hair, lunatic angry after the 3,972,438th time. 

My parents have an old friend who was a huge part of my childhood. He raised five amazing boys (with some pretty amazing women), and is the kindest, most gentle man I know. I never once, in the 38 years I have known him, ever heard him raise his voice. Not once. He is loving and sweet, and every time I am having a bad parenting moment, I try - oh, how I try - to call up his face and take a deep breath, and ask myself what he would do in this situation. My own parents have shaped much of my parenting style, both in what to do and what not to do, but this friend is the parent I aspire to be. He is the gold standard in parenting, and right now I feel like I'm hovering somewhere around aluminum... Shiny and useful, but not exactly a precious metal, you know?

On this Mother's Day, and every day, I will forgive myself my faults and mistakes, and try to remember that I have another day to try to get it right. I will never be perfect, and I will fail many, many more times, but I will also never stop trying to be better. And I'm okay with that.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mamas out there. Give yourself a little extra love and forgiveness today.