What ifs.

They are so unproductive and yet, I find myself playing out crazy scenarios day after day. The most common is what if something happens to Allen and I am stuck all by myself with a baby to raise, a mortgage and a car payment, and my only recourse is a job I absolutely loathe? This has been a big thing with me lately. I have seriously been obsessing about "what if something bad happens to Allen". If he's late home from work, I start to worry that he got hit by some crazy commuter. "Will they know to call me?"

I've also been obsessing, just a ton teensy bit, about losing the baby. I had a miscarriage before, I have friends and friends of friends who had their babies way too early (so far, knock on wood, with positive outcomes), and know of several women who had late term miscarriages. I'm far enough along in my pregnancy that Butterbean is a reality to me now. My bulging belly (and crazy hormones) and the kicks I feel from inside remind me all the time. I think it's that I feel so wildly out of control. I'm doing everything I can to have a healthy pregnancy, but if something happens, there isn't anything I can do to prevent it. I know, logically, that control is an illusion. But that doesn't make it easier to give up.

So instead, I've been obsessing about worst-case scenarios. It's driving me insane, and is making it hard to focus and function. I need to find my way back to the place where I can concentrate on the things I can accomplish and let go of the things that are outside my sphere of influence. Anyone have any ideas on how to do that?

Oh, right. I remember now. "Don't anticipate". Easier said than done!

That was easier than I expected.

I broke up with our Chantilly midwives yesterday. I chickened out and sent an email, though. After the ugliness with my OB, I just didn't want to deal with any more drama so I took the passive-aggressive way out.

Turns out, my fears were totally unfounded. The midwives were so kind and gracious, and were nothing but understanding and helpful about the whole transition. Had they been more local to us, I doubt I would have switched, especially knowing what I know now. They wished us the best and invited us to come back for their open house and asked if we would send pictures once Butterbean makes his entrance.

I guess it goes to show you, midwives are a whole different breed, and a completely different model of care. I feel incredibly lucky to be able to use a midwife for the birth of my baby.

Oof. A dilemma.

I really didn't see this coming.

I got a call from the Birthcare center near us - when I say near, I mean 1 mile away. I called them originally in August about getting into the midwife practice for Butterbean's pre-natal care and birth. They only take 25 births per month, and I was number nine on the waiting list. So I was completely unprepared for them to call me yesterday and offer me a spot in their practice.

I like our current midwives, but it's not like I have some deep spiritual connection with them. I feel a little bit flaky for considering the move, but Birthcare is so much more convenient. First, it's super close to us. No worries about a 45 minute drive to the birthing center. I could walk there if I really wanted. (But that option is not on the table right now.) And, as an even bigger bonus, our insurance accepts them as a care provider! Our current midwives don't qualify because they are "certified professional midwives" rather than "certified nurse midwives". The midwives at Birthcare are CNMs.

While they've never pushed it on us, I have also been vaguely uncomfortable with our current midwives religious affiliations. There seems to be a big focus on "God's plan" on their website, and while I think that they are entitled to their own beliefs, I don't share them. In fact, not only do they seem to be fairly religious, their practice seems heavily weighted with fairly religious people. I can name four people off the top of my head at that practice that have more than eight children, for example. That's pretty rare outside certain religious ideologies. Having said that, however, I think it might also be a sampling bias. Certain religious groups prefer to labor and deliver with midwives, for a variety of reasons, so it's not necessarily that the practice as a whole is religiously oriented.

It's entirely possible that I am trying to justify changing providers and using unfair criteria. Our current midwives have been nothing but kind and caring, and haven't made us feel uncomfortable in any way. Well, other than a brief (and entirely incorrect) lecture about nutrition. But having just gone through an ugly incident of alienation with my OB, I am a little gun shy about changing. But that kind of makes me mad, too. Why should I be afraid to change to something that's easier and more convenient for me and my family?!

We went to an open house at the Birthcare center last night, too. They gave us until Friday to decide about changing, and I wanted to tour and meet at least one of the midwives before we decided. We kind of lucked out that they happened to have an open house. We've been to the center before - our Bradley Method birthing classes are held there - but we've never met the midwives or seen the offices and birthing rooms. The birthing rooms are small, and there are only two of them. The NOVA birthing center that our current midwives just opened is much bigger and nicer. The midwife we met last night was knowledgeable, patient, friendly and open. I don't know if I've ever met a midwife I didn't like, come to think of it. We really liked her, so she was kind of the icing on the cake. One of the best things about the new place is, in the event of a catastrophic snowstorm, they can actually come to me! She had no qualms about traveling to us if we got snowed in, and made a point to tell us that they would do whatever we felt comfortable with - come to us, meet us at the hospital, whatever. Our current midwives kind of made me feel like I was on my own in the event of a snowstorm.

So, after careful consideration, we're changing. It just makes sense logistically and financially, and I feel much more comfortable with my options in case of emergency. Now comes the hard part... "Breaking up" with my current midwives.

I spoke too soon.

An exchange from a recent birthing class:

Instructor: "Who has been feeling really hormonal?"
All the women in the class: raise hands
Allen: whispers to me "No, you've been fine."

Oh my poor, sweet husband. How those four little words came back to haunt you.

I had an epic meltdown last week. I mean like Lord of The Rings extended cut movie marathon epic. This was my first really hormonal completely-lose-all-reason episode, so I think I'm still doing okay overall, but man... It was not pretty in this house for a good 12 hours.

It wasn't even anything specific. I was frustrated with work (not unusual), but for some reason, I could not stop crying and every tiny little thing set off a fresh round of hysterics. We're trying to adjust our mortgage rate and the APR went up from 2.75 to 2.875? Crying. The VW dealership is sending out a guy to repair our windshield and he isn't here yet? Tears. My computer settings are wonky because we got new hardware at work? Meltdown. My brother got a new iPhone 4s? Hysterics.

I wish I was making that up. But all of them are true. Welcome to pregnancy. These are the things no one tells you. Yes, you'll be hormonal, but no one told me what that meant. So, ladies who intend to get pregnant for the first time, pay attention. You will get hormonal, but being pregnant hormonal is to regular hormonal as being an elephant is to being a mouse. (I dare them to put that on the SATs.) It's a whole other league.

Allen got a crash course in it. He came home to hysterical wife, and held me while I cried about work, the mortgage, the iPhone, the car, not to mention the "what if you die" scenarios I spun out in between sobs. It was a special moment, guys. Here's where Allen once again wins best freaking husband, ever:

Me: sniffling "I also ate all the halva because there was no ice cream in the house."
Allen: "Well, there is now. I brought home cake and ice cream for dessert."
Me: miraculously "I feel better!" tears dry, clouds part, angels sing

A little ice cream goes a long way in this house.

Construction.

Dear County Construction Workers,

I really appreciate the new water main and sewer lines you are working so hard to install. However, since I'm one of the people paying for the job (with my tax money), I'd really appreciate it if you would use the jackhammer to tear up the road after 8 am. It makes my whole house vibrate, wakes me up, and makes me worry that you are scrambling my baby's brains. And while we're on the subject, could you also not park your huge bulldozers and cranes and such right next to my new car? There is a whole street at your disposal, so parking 2 feet away from my bumper was a little unreasonable, I thought.

Thanks,
-Me

This is getting ridiculous.

I can't even tell you the number of people who have stared, slack-jawed, at my belly in the past week and said something along the lines of, "Oh my gosh! You are ready to pop! You were due last week weren't you?!"

Manners are clearly in short supply around these parts.

After I politely inform said obnoxious observer that no, I'm in fact only about 6 months along and not due until February, I get this in return: "Is there more than one in there?!"

Jesus H. Christ, people. I am having ONE baby. One. And I am not actually that big! I look like a normal five to six months pregnant woman! Were you all raised by wolves?! Actually, I take that back. Wolves would be more polite. I'm starting to come up with less polite retorts to these types of observations, so buyer beware. If you see a pregnant woman and you think to yourself, "wow, she looks huge!", please, for the love of all that is holy, keep it to yourself!

Say something nice or shut the hell up. "You look huge!" is not nice. It's not cute, and it makes me feel bad about myself and self-conscious about my belly. I should be proud of my belly! Showing it off! Not trying to hide it under muu-muus because of a few (hopefully) well-meaning clods. Try something along the lines of, "You look great! When are you due?" If you can't manage that, then please, don't say anything at all.

I need to become one of the top 10,000 influential bloggers.

I'm serious, people. We need to make this happen.

The tourism industry in Japan has suffered serious setbacks due to a strong yen, and the earthquake and nuclear power plant snafu from earlier this year. So, to help boost tourism and bring money into the country, the Japanese Tourism Board has decided to give out free flights to Japan to "influential bloggers". The initiative is still waiting for government approval and budgeting, and should be finalized in April, 2012.

So we have until then. Now the challenge... How do I increase readership without pimping myself out too much. A little pimping might be worth it for a free trip to Japan.

Exercise ball, take two.

The exercise ball didn't last very long. It's great for sitting, but not so great if a huge orange tabby insists on jumping up into your lap. With his ridiculous back claws extended.

The cats weren't very interested in the ball, other than to sniff it, because it's not stable. They never even attempted to jump up on it. Then, one day, when Allen was sitting on it and finishing up some work, O'Malley (the aforementioned giant orange tabby) decided he had to be in Allen's lap at all costs. In the process of jumping up, he gouged a hole in the ball with his back claw. Allen reported that the ball slowly deflated instead of bursting, which is amazing given that the gash was a good half inch long.

So good news: the ball won't burst, even when punctured. Bad news: we had to order a new ball. Thanks for the field test, O'Malley.

Nursery design.

Is tough.

That's the main take-away point of this post. We - and by "we" I mean Allen - got the second bedroom walls patched and primed. Now we have to pick out paint. But before we can pick out paint, I have to decide what I want the nursery to look like. I have never been one of those people who can find something amazing at a yard sale or antique store, or just happen to stumble across the perfect furniture or rug accessory for the space I'm decorating. I consider myself creative, but an interior designer I am not. I love simple and clean, I love small spaces, I love hidden storage. But I also tend to go overboard. I find something I like and I find myself putting it on everything. I quickly go from "simple and clean" to "cluttered and overkill". I need someone to reign me in.

Unfortunately, Allen is not that person. He has absolutely no input or ideas on decor other than "that will (will not) fit." It's not a downfall or shortcoming in any way, and I am lucky to have a husband who trusts my eye so completely (except for the time I painted my walls pink - he was not a fan). But I am struggling here, people.

I have several ideas... First is a woodsy forest theme. A wall decal of a tree maybe with some birds (owls??), some mushrooms along the baseboards, a wood grain pattern rug.

Second: a Japanese style theme. A sakura tree wall decal (I love this one), an asian fabric quilt, a koi pond rug. Or maybe a sakura rug, instead. I'm a little worried that this style could get too feminine, though.

Third: a fantasy theme. Kind of along the same lines as the woodsy theme, but add dragons.

I have to remind myself that this isn't going to be permanent. It's not like he's going to graduate from high school with the same room design as his nursery. This just has to be a room I'll enjoy being in until he's old enough to want something different, or until we move. I've almost decided, I think. Now I just have to go find that damn wood grain rug...

New paint.

It's kind of amazing how a simple coat of paint can transform a room. Allen primed the second bedroom - soon to be nursery - and we picked out 3 paint sample colors to try on the walls this weekend. We also had 2 samples leftover from when we painted the bathroom, so we put 5 samples up on the wall, total.

Here's the thing about paint... The sample cards they have in the store don't accurately represent the final color. I learned from a friend (during the bathroom project) that whatever color I liked for the walls, I should buy at least 2 shades lighter because it would look much darker once applied to a large surface. She was so right. The samples that Allen complained looked white in the store are a lot darker in practice. Also, thank god someone decided to sell small samples of the paint before you buy a whole gallon. A few of the colors are dreadful on our walls and I'm really glad I found out for a $2 and 2 minute investment.

I have 2 favorites picked out, but I'm waiting for the second coat before I decide. If they are too dark after that, it's back to the store to try to find an even lighter shade. Who knew this would be so hard?! Though, on the plus side, I think we have a theme picked out and I'm pretty excited to start sourcing furniture and decorating. Look out, Butterbean! Mama is decorating!

New car!

The title says it all. We bought our first new car! Well, technically, it's a certified pre-loved car, but it's the first car we've purchased as a couple. All our other cars have been hand-me-downs.

Hand-me-down cars are great, don't get me wrong. It fits right in with our "reduce/reuse/recycle" philosophy and we definitely pay it forward by handing our cars down in return. But the last car (a 1998 Jeep Grand Cherokee) was having major issues that no mechanic could diagnose without investing hundreds of dollars. Since the car wasn't worth that much, we decided a new one was in order.

We searched for the right car for a few months and then finally found it: a 2010 VW Golf TDI. It has a diesel engine (great gas mileage), is a manual transmission (won't get stolen since no one can drive stick any more), has four doors (a must with a baby), and is all around perfect. I'm in love.

Back-up plans.

Our little guy is due February 17. If we lived further south, this would be no cause for alarm. If we lived further north, we would also be undaunted. Further south, little to no snow. Further north, lots of infrastructure in place to handle snow. Mid-Atlantic region? El zilcho.

Two years ago, in mid-February, we had Snowmaggedon up here. We actually had two that winter. The first was mid-January, and then a second a month later. The entire metro DC area shut down for a week. Roads were impassable unless you had a snowplow or a four wheel drive SUV, and even then, it was iffy. Last winter wasn't as crazy in terms of weather. But with global warming and generally unpredictable weather patterns, you can never be sure...

Our plan is to drive to the birthing center in Chantilly when I go into labor. It's a 45 minute drive without traffic. At my last check-up, I asked our midwife, Peggy, if we should buy the homebirth kit (gloves, sterile pads, etc.) as a back-up in case we got snowed in. My thinking was that if we couldn't get to them, they could probably get to us.

Unfortunately, this is not the case. They did have a birth happen during the aforementioned Snowmaggedon, and in the process of trying to get to the home, the midwives spent 11 hours on I-95 and ended up in a snow bank. Needless to say, they were not eager to repeat that scenario. I should add the caveat that our midwives are fantastic, but there is no reason for them to put their own lives at risk driving in dangerous conditions. I thought our back-up plan was going to be a home birth. As it turns out, our back-up plan is the hospital.

There is a hospital close to our house (maybe 5 miles away), and if we can't drive out, an ambulance can come pick us up. I'm a little bummed (okay, a lot bummed) that this has to be our back-up in case of adverse weather, but I understand the reasoning. This is not an ideal (for me) back-up plan, but at least we have one now. And even if our midwives can't make it to us, or us to them, they will still be on the phone with us and talking us through a lot of it, so that makes me feel a bit better. I'll just have to labor at home as long as possible to avoid the interventions I'm likely to get at a hospital. But, as my sister says, "don't anticipate." So I'm going to proceed like everything will go according to plan... I am planning for clear roads and clear skies.

Oh, another bit of news... I thought my placenta placement was good and we were all ready to go for non-hospital birth. Peggy, however, said that the placement was low enough to warrant another ultrasound around 32 weeks to make sure it had moved up and out of the way. I'm not super excited about another ultrasound - I still have mixed feelings about them in general. It should just be a precaution. The placenta usually moves up as the uterus expands, and having it cover or partially cover the cervix only happens in a very small percentage of cases - like 3%, I think. At least we'll get one last look at Butterbean before the main event. I'm not exactly worried about this, but I'm not thrilled about it either...

"Don't anticipate." Got it.

Birth ball.

My desk chair is miserable. It was great for a while, and I spent a ridiculous amount of money on it, but now that I'm pregnant it is the most uncomfortable thing I've ever sat in. I makes my bum and back ache and I have a near constant stitch in my left side because of the way I have to sit in it. (Though the computer mouse gets some of the blame for that, too.)

I've heard recommendations from pregnant women, doctors, midwives and just about everyone else that an exercise ball (a.k.a. "birthing ball") was the way to go. As a chair, they encourage better posture and support your pelvic floor, and, maybe even more importantly, the double as a support device during active labor. When I went to the gym last week, I sampled (sat on) several of the exercise balls they had laying around. I. Was. Hooked.

I ordered this ball: the Gaiam Total Body Balance Ball Kit. It comes in 3 sizes - 55 cm, 65 cm, and 75 cm - and according to user reviews and the Gaiam recommendations, the 65 cm size is appropriate for someone my height (5'7"). The thing is, to get it to the proper size, you have to inflate it in stages. I was worried when I first inflated it because I my knees were slightly higher than my hips, and I felt like I was a kid sitting at the grown-ups table without a booster when I pulled it up to my desk. So I sat on it for a while, and it also felt slightly too squishy. So after about two hours, I pumped more air in.

That did the trick. It is now a proper height (my midwives recommended that my knees should be slightly lower than my hips), and I don't feel like I'm sinking into the ball when I sit on it. I think this would be true of any exercise ball, so my advice is: inflate, sit for an hour or so, re-inflate.

When I first sat on it, I made sure Allen was standing nearby to catch me if I fell off or if it burst. I am terrified of the ball bursting out from under me. I read some reviews of other balls that had burst and dumped people face-first onto the floor, and that was not a path I wanted to go down. One, because I am terrified of hitting my face on something and breaking bones or knocking out teeth (it's a vanity thing), and two, because I am pretty sure that falling when pregnant is a no-no. I would freak and probably call 911 if I fell off this thing.

Luckily, and this is part of the reason I picked Gaiam, there weren't any "this burst and dumped me on the floor!" reviews of this particular ball. It didn't hurt that it also retails on Amazon for about $20.

I've been sitting on it all morning and I've discovered a few things.

1. It's pretty fun to sit on. I find myself rolling around on it a bit, adjusting my position frequently and overall, not getting bored.
2. I'm doing more "work" than I realize. When I get up from the ball, my hamstrings and bum feel like they've been working out. In a good way.
3. My posture is much improved. It's not perfect, but I'm still learning. I think in time, this will be a fabulous posture resource. There is still a small temptation to slouch, but the dynamics of sitting on a ball make it difficult and uncomfortable to sustain a slouch for an extended period.
4. It's a cushy seat, but after a while my bum feels like I've been sitting on a hard chair. But not in the "omg I need to get off of this thing" kind of way. More in a "my bum is tired, I should stand up for a minute" kind of way. I don't know how to explain it better than that. But since sitting all day isn't great for you, having the urge to stand up and stretch can only be beneficial, right?

All in all, I am pretty sure I am going to love this thing. I will warn you, though, it's going to take some getting used to. It kind of feels like riding a bike. After a while, your sitting area gets a bit sore and tired, and I have a feeling that I will feel a bit sore tomorrow, but if I keep at it, the muscles will improve and it will be a comfortable seat.

There are a ton of brands out on the market, so if you are looking for one, read reviews and sample a few if you can. The Gaiam one feels pretty sturdy (and is rated to hold up to 300 pounds without bursting), made of a thick material, and as a bonus, is latex and phthalate free. They also make a version that has a rolling office chair base for the ball, so it sits a smidge higher and feels more like an office chair. I was thisclose to buying that one, but opted for the cheap trial version before shelling out $70+ for the fancy version. You can buy them online, obviously, at places like Amazon, but I'm pretty sure stores like Target, and probably sporting goods stores carry them as well. (If you'd prefer to look at them in person.) Sporting goods stores might have some inflated for you to see, too, if you don't have access to any at a gym.

So, I'll update in a week or so about how it's going, but overall I'd say go get one. Even if you aren't pregnant, they are pretty fun chairs. But remember, inflate twice!

Random Acts of Kindness.

Dear Universe,

On Monday, I was driving home from an errand. Our Jeep had been dying randomly for the past six months, and I was at a particularly ugly snarl in traffic and just hoping that the car would get through without any hiccups.

It didn't. The Jeep died in the middle lane right at the point where three lanes converged down to one. The traffic was already backed up for half a mile, and this did not help matters. I tried to restart it, but naturally, it refused to cooperate. I called Allen in tears because a) every person behind me was frustrated at me (though thankfully only one of them was rude enough to honk), b) I'm pregnant and crying in tense situations is what happens, and c) I had no idea how to help myself. We have roadside assistance, but I knew it would be 45 minutes before anyone would come to tow me. I also knew that I couldn't push a 4,000 pound car out of the way by myself (or even with help - it's not a good idea to be straining that much when you are pregnant). There was also the fact that I was in the middle lane and would have to stop traffic in the right lane to get to the shoulder.

As I was getting ready to hang up with Allen and call roadside assistance, a construction truck pulled up next to me. The driver asked if I had someone coming to help me. I told him I was calling roadside assistance but if he could help push me to the shoulder, I could at least get out of the way of traffic. He and his passenger hopped out of the truck, blocking the right lane so I could get over, and pushed me to the shoulder while I man-handled the steering wheel. (The power steering goes out when your car dies, FYI.) They jumped back in the car and were off before I could do more than yell "thank you!" out the window.

So, Universe, I was hoping that you could smile on those two guys this week. They were incredibly kind to me and I didn't get the chance to properly say thank you. So, if you could, see to it that someone does something nice and unexpected for them, too.

Gratefully,
Me.