Scott Simon.
You may know him as the host of Weekend Edition on Saturday on NPR. I don't personally know him, but he is the man responsible for my complete and utter reversal on the issue of international (specifically Chinese) adoption.
Here is the interview he gave on NPR's "Fresh Air" about the book and his two amazing daughters. Fair warning: it will make you cry. (Here is a second, shorter interview on NPR that will also make you cry. It's just beautiful and heartbreaking and hopeful, all at the same time.) This interview led two separate friends to tell me about (and in one case purchase as a gift for us) Simon's book, "Baby, We Were Meant for Each Other: In Praise of Adoption."
This book has literally changed my life. When we first made the decision to adopt, we decided to go into a pool of potential parents at an agency and adopt domestically. I ruled out international adoption early on because I had the (mistaken) impression that foreign countries, particularly China and Russia, use adoption as a way to rid themselves of undesirable citizens - girls and disabled children, to be blunt. While I still think Russia is not a great place to adopt from, I was so, so, so wrong about China.
Let me say that I don't know the official Chinese government policy or belief about adoption. But what I learned from Simon's book is that these young women risk prison, forced sterilization, repercussions for the rest of their family and other unimaginable things in order to birth these children. China's single child policy is draconian and brutal. There is no way around that. Chinese culture makes boys highly preferred to girls, for various reasons. As a result, China actually will be facing a shortage of girls in the not-too-distant-future, and I think some of the ramifications of one child and preferring boys are already being felt. The bottom line is that is illegal to bear a child in China without approval.
According to Simon, these young women give birth and then travel far away - up to hundreds of miles - from their homes so as not to be identified. They then place the infant (girl) in a highly trafficked area and hide - across the street, behind a tree, etc - and wait for a stranger to pick up the abandoned infant and take it to the police station. I may have strong opinions about China's governmental policies, but I have nothing but respect, and empathy, for the women who risk so much to bring these children into the world, in the hopes that they will one day find a better life.
Simon's path to adoption seems fairly typical - "traditional" babymaking wasn't working and got too be too emotionally draining. It's not as though he and his wife had some magical journey that no one else has. And yet, they did. They had the same experience as thousands of other adoptive families have, and yet it was uniquely their own, just as it is for everyone who adopts. Whether you adopt domestically or internationally, infant, toddler, tween or teen, "normal" or "special needs", there is a magical moment, a transformation that occurs. You look at your child and realize that (s)he is yours. That your family is, in a sense, complete. What is brilliant about Simon's book, aside from the eye-opening education in the realities of the single-child policy, is that he is so honest about all of the doubt and the second-guessing that adoptive parents go through. He normalizes it and made me realize that these feelings are not unique to us, and that they still have a happy ending.
One of the most memorable things he said in the interviews was "There is no Hallmark moment when they put your daughter into your arms." You are, at that point, just another stranger, someone who is disrupting the only life and routine they've ever known, and it is "obnoxious" as Simon put it. But the other side of that coin is that there is an immediate transformation. You walk into the room as a couple and walk out as a family. That little girl (or boy) may not know it yet, but you knew the minute you laid eyes on her - she is your daughter and you will love her more than you ever thought it was possible to love another human being. Simon does not sugarcoat the process. It's long, it's expensive, it's emotionally exacting. And it doesn't stop when you bring your child home. There are challenges to parenting, and these challenges can be amplified for adopted children. But beneath all of that is Simon's absolute and undying love of his little girls. It felt like he was whispering to me as I read, "this will happen for you, too."
Simon shares vignettes from other adoptive families as well. The book is focused on his two daughters and how he and his wife became parents, but there are stories that encompass every possible way to become an adoptive parent. Some are ecstatically happy, some are heartbreakingly sad, but all are powerful, all are transformative, and all underscore the inherent ability of the human heart to expand and envelop a new life, even one that is biologically unrelated.
This book, aside from heavily influencing our decision to adopt from China, has underscored and reaffirmed my belief that love, not biology, makes a family. So, thank you, Mr. Simon. We've never met, and likely never will, but you have profoundly affected our lives already. And a copy of your book will be in our child's keepsake box.
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