It's no big secret that I intend to quit my job and be a stay-at-home parent when the kid(s) arrive. Actually, I intend to quit my job before then and be a "homemaker" until then. I'm pretty excited about it. I'm also terrified about it. We certainly don't have a lavish lifestyle, and I'm a little terrified about going down to one salary. Since Allen and I have the same job, we will essentially be cutting our earnings in half. That's a big commitment. I feel guilty about leaving the income earning to Allen, partly because I came into the marriage with all the debt (student loans), and partly because I absolutely, positively cannot wait to quit my job. I am serious. I can't tell you how excited I am to have time to clean the house properly and keep it that way. How great it will be to scoop the litterbox daily instead of every few days, how much I'm going to enjoy baking bread and cooking meals for my family to enjoy. Cleaning and organizing the closets and the attic. I'm seriously stoked about these things.
My mother is horrified. For her generation, I think, the ability to get a high paying job and stand on equal footing was a hallmark of the women's lib movement. But my generation has that - well, more or less. (I guess I won't get into the socio-political ramifications of women in the workplace and how we're still paid, on the whole, less than men, and how stay-at-home moms are undervalued in society... I'll save that for another time.) My mom fought for those things and now I have them, and maybe she sees it as a kind of slap in the face to all the women who had to put up with so much crap to even get (and keep) decent jobs. But the hallmark of women's lib in my generation is choice. I am choosing to quit my job. I am choosing to make caretaking my job. I don't draw a salary for it, but I am lucky enough to have a husband who realizes the value of my work and who understands that my "job" at home makes it easier for him to focus on and achieve things in his job.
Quite a few women I have said this to are actually offended. "You aren't married to the house," one woman sniffed when I said I couldn't wait to be a housewife. I get why some women are uncomfortable with my decision, but to be actually offended is ridiculous. But I digress.
The actual point of this post is that I am slipping at work. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it's all I can focus on right now. My intention was to preserve my good (dare I say excellent) standing at work, just in case. Maybe I'll find that housework and house-wife-ing are drudgery and I am miserable. Maybe I'll need something to do when the kids are in school. Maybe some big expense will crop up and we'll need a second (or god forbid, first) income. You never know. Plus, it's wise to not burn your bridges, in general. But I find my job odious. Completely and totally.
This is not to excuse my bad attitude. I fully own that I have a crap attitude right now and I need to get my shit together. I know exactly what I need to do to get my professional life back on track. My big problem is that we have so many other things going on right that work gets de-prioritized. Some of the things we have on our plate are fun, some are tedious, but all are things I would rather be doing instead of my job. I think that a big part of my problem is that I am already settling into my new job, at the expense of my old job. I need to realize that it isn't up to me to organize and plan everything. I need to spend these last 6 months to a year at my job focusing on maintaining a good standing. I need to prioritize my job a bit higher and let Allen help with the rest of the stuff going on. It will be my job soon enough, but right now, it's our job.
P.S. Still waiting to hear back about our application. I am trying my best not to bombard them with phone calls, but I may break down tomorrow...
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