Choices.

There's a lot going around the Interwebs lately about how much choice you should have when adopting. (Well, it's going around the sites I frequent, anyway...) One side of the argument says that you should just take what you can get when adopting, and the other side says that bio parents get to "choose" the race of their child, so why shouldn't adoptive parents. This is a fraught issue, so I'm going to try to be delicate. (But I will likely end up being ham fisted.)

How can I put this? To the people who think you should just take what you can get: your best is an idiot. I get a little bit pissy with this attitude because it indicates, at best, that these people have never had to deal with infertility on any level. And, really? Brava for them, but that isn't my world. That kind of attitude seems to indicate that they think infertility is somehow the fault of the infertile, and that we should just shut up and accept whatever baby we can find, regardless of whether we are fit to parent that child, deal with their special needs, deal with the issues surrounding their personal situation, etc., etc., ad nauseum. This really comes back to the issue of adoption as charity. Adoption can NOT be a charity case - in lieu of donating to Japan earthquake relief, I'll just adopt a kid! (sarcasm definitely intended) Parenting is a challenge during the best of times, and it's for life. You can't give the kid back, whether adopted or biological, so you have to make absolutely, 100% sure that you are equipped to deal with that specific child's needs and that the child is going to fit in well with your family. Super racist in-laws? A black/latino/multiracial child might not be a good fit. (Or maybe it would be good to bring your in-laws into the 21st century...) Limited financial resources? A child requiring long-term medical care might not be a good fit. I'm being a bit flippant in my examples, but the premise remains sound.

A child you bring into your life has to fit there forever, so if you don't take the "right" one, that child will be worse off in the long run. With bio children, you know what race you'll get, but sometimes you have curve-balls thrown at you like Down's Syndrome or pre-term birth or any number of other complications. And I'd like to think that most people rise to the challenges beautifully. But they've also had 9 months to bond with that baby and prepare for having that baby in their lives, even if they didn't know about the extra challenges. Adoptive parents, similarly, have had a long time to think about what they are prepared to deal with, and so make their selections accordingly, and hope for the best like everyone else.

The other extreme is thinking that bio parents choose the race of their child by choosing the race of their mate. This is going too far down the other path, I think. I didn't choose Allen because he's white and I wanted white babies. I chose Allen because he is kind and generous and loving and honest and my perfect balance. So, though we would have had white babies if I got pregnant, having white babies was not, in any way, part of my choosing him as a partner in life. I guess some might make the argument that subconsciously, I chose him because our potential offspring would be more viable, but again, even if that were the case, I fail to see how race affects offspring viability.

Adoption is an emotional minefield. It is fraught with stress and tears and waiting and boredom and waiting and punctuated by brief periods of frenetic activity and joy. And hopefully, it has a happy ending. How any couple or family comes to find "their" child is not for anyone else to judge. What matters is that child has a loving family and that family has filled an empty, child-sized hole in their lives.