Discovery.

I used to be a runner. In fact, I used to be not bad at it. At my peak, I could run 5 miles without breathing through my mouth. (Thank you yoga.) At some point, life intervened. I got shin splints. Really bad shin splints. I stopped running. Gained weight. Gained more weight. I was horrified to realize that my "peak" running fitness was almost 10 years ago. I think of 2003 as being recent, but, um, it's not.

After having the baby, I lost the pregnancy weight really fast. (Breastfeeding rocks.) I "got my body back", so to speak, but my body sucks! I don't want my body. I want my body from 10 years ago! I've been feeling increasingly unhappy with my body. I am horrifically scarred from the stretch marks and the c-section, and I am 40 pounds overweight. I can't handle those things in tandem. Looking at it objectively, I suppose it's good that they are coinciding, because it's spurring me to action. To be frank, my motivation is 95% vanity. I don't want to be fat anymore. I don't want to feel ugly. I don't want BG to look back at his baby pictures and wonder why I'm not in any of them. "I was fat and ashamed" feels like a sorry excuse.

So what to do? I wanted to get back into running, but didn't really have that thing that pushes you over the edge from thinking to doing. Then I ran into an old acquaintance, who is rapidly becoming a true friend. She is a serious runner. She is training for a half Ironman and she is in great shape. She and I chatted about running and she told me to email her and she would give me some advice. I did. She returned my email with a lot of thoughtful discussion, and laid out a preliminary workout regimen. I went out and bought running shoes.

Half of the workout routine is light calisthenics. I am supposed to do 15 sit-ups, push-ups, and squats. My big discovery is that after the c-section, I can't do a single sit-up. Not one. I literally cannot sit up from laying flat on my back. It's a little scary. Don't get me wrong, I certainly wasn't the sit-up champ before the c-section, but it is disturbing to me that I can't sit straight up. Especially being almost five months post-partum and feeling "recovered".

I went on my first "run" this morning. I say "run" because it was more like jog for a minute, walk for two or three  minutes. I went 20 minutes out and 20 minutes back and did my calisthenics afterwards. My legs are so tired, but I feel really good about getting up and going. It's hard for me to give up the extra sleep, but ultimately it's worth shedding the weight and feeling better about myself. And it's nice to have a little slice of time that's all mine.

I also signed up for the Ragnar Relay in DC at the end of September. It's a stretch for me to go from what I am now to being able to run three miles in a single go, but I think it's good to have a "reach" goal. And if I can swing it, I think I'm going to join a local "fun run" group. Though they run at 5 am. God help me.