Last man standing.

Over the past year, I've built up a network of friends who are all, in one way or another, having difficulty starting a family. These women have been an amazing support framework, and I hope that I've been the same to them. Misery loves company, but not because misery is fun. Because sharing it with someone makes both burdens easier to bear. Some of these people are real-life friends who I see regularly, some are blogs I've followed over the past year. So why bring it up now?

Because all of these women are either pregnant or bringing home their first child. It kind of happened all at once, too. So now I feel a little bit like the last man standing in the infertility camp, and it's pretty lonely here. It's not as though these women will stop being my friends, or will stop supporting me. Quite the contrary, in fact. They are all amazing and I am so lucky to have found them and to have them in my life. But the fact of the matter is that it's hard to be the last one still struggling with this issue. Well, "last" relatively speaking. Last in my group of friends. I'm feeling a little bit like my support network is eroding and I'm out here in No-Man's (or is it "No-Kids"?) Land.

This was the subject of a long and emotional discussion with Allen on a recent road trip. We are both really committed to the Waiting Child Program in China, but the fact of the matter is that I just can't wait that long. We will still adopt through that program, but it's looking like that will be our second child rather than our first. My sanity just can't take another two year wait. I can't do it, folks.

I've always wanted a big family, and we discussed early on having 2 or 3 kids. Maybe 4, but most likely 3. I'd love to have 4, Allen thinks 1 is fine, so we're meeting in the middle... Skewed to my side of the middle, naturally. :-) I am feeling the inexorable march of time right now and I don't want it to run out. I also want my kids to have other children of similar ages to play with as they grow up, preferably children of people that I enjoy being around too. My parents had a big group of friends who all had kids around the same time, and I have fond (if shadowy and vague because I was young) memories of running around at parties or pot-luck dinners with those kids while our parents enjoyed each others company.

I also don't want to be 60+ when my kids are graduating from high school. I want to be young enough to enjoy, or hell, just see, grandchildren.

I keep reminding myself that we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing right now. We are getting our financial ducks in a row and otherwise preparing to expand our family. We are still waiting until June to start our homestudy, but I'm pretty sure we're going to do a domestic adoption through the Barker Foundation first, and do the Waiting Child program second.

On the one hand, I'm really frustrated because this was our original plan, and had we just stuck to it, we'd have started our paperwork in January and be well on our way to bringing our baby home. On the other hand, the extra time allowed us to re-finance our mortgage and take care of some other things along the way, and we'll be in a much better position, financially, for having waited. But how much longer do I have to wait?! Patience was never one of my virtues, and while I'm getting better at it as I get older (practice makes perfect!), I still have days when I want to scream and pull my hair out and yell "Now, now, now!" at the top of my lungs.

::deep breath::

June. I can make it until June. Lord knows I have enough to keep me occupied until then.

Self, repeat after me: Ooooooooom.