Lesson number 479 on why you can't judge a book by its cover. This was the third (and likely final) adoption agency information session we attended. A few minutes in to the presentation, I thought to myself, "Well, we're definitely going with Barker." By the end of the session, I was pretty sure we were going with Datz. I'll get into why in a bit.
In the last post, I gave an overview of what Datz considers to be the six main adoption criteria. I think these are a great summary of the things you should (and will) consider before adopting. Allen and I have been discussing these things at great length. Most of them are unimportant - gender, race, background info - but we are fairly certain that we'd like to adopt a young infant, or "as young as possible". We'd also like a shorter wait time. We have been ready for a family for a while now, and now that we've decided to adopt, we're waiting with open arms. "Insert baby here" essentially. We also feel like we aren't ready to take on extreme special needs, but I'll get into that shortly.
If you had asked me two weeks ago what I thought we'd be doing, adoption-wise, I'd have told you, unequivocally, that we would be adopting, through an agency, domestically. Basically, going in to a profile pool, getting matched with a birth mother and taking a healthy newborn home from the hospital. Two weeks later and my mind is completely changed. Completely. The funniest part is, the director of the Barker Foundation totally predicted this. She looked out at the sea of couples in the information session and said, "I can guarantee you, based on my years of experience, that two couples in this room who swear they are adopting domestically will adopt internationally. And two couples who think they are adopting internationally will, in fact, adopt domestically." While we haven't adopted yet (yet), she was totally right about us. I wonder who the other couple will turn out to be?
But back to Datz. Datz is a very small non-profit adoption agency. They are kind of opposite to Barker. Barker is large, has a profile pool and charges a sliding scale fee based on your income. Datz is small, has no profile pool and charges fixed rates for services. Datz explained that they have very few infants relinquished to them for placement each year, so they just don't maintain a pool of potential adoptive families. If you are adopting domestically through Datz, you can either find your own birth family through websites like Parent Profiles, or they will help connect you with larger agencies around the country. If we were dead set on only adopting domestically, I'd probably go with Barker, but Datz does offer services for domestic adoption.
The programs I was most interested in at Datz were the international programs. Datz works with many of the same countries as Barker, but also works with Russia. Russia is probably last on my list for adoption options, so that isn't important other than to just give background info on Datz. What I was most interested in was the Waiting Child program in China. We met a woman who recently adopted her daughter from this program in China. It fulfilled all of the "requirements" that I have for adoption: it's fast, you can adopt very young children, and it's not super expensive.
The Waiting Child program is basically China's "special needs" children that are available for adoption. Remember how, just a few paragraphs ago, I said we didn't feel ready to take on severe special needs? Well, "special needs" is defined very differently in China. "Special needs" can run the gamut, all the way to severe Down's syndrome requiring extended medical care, but for most cases, "special needs" means a birthmark (sometimes a small one, sometimes an extensive one, but cosmetic nonetheless), or a small hole in the heart (common in infants and frequently self corrected without medical intervention, though I don't want to downplay the potential seriousness of the condition), cleft lip palate (maybe the most frequent condition)... I can't list them all, because I don't know all the possibilities, but the main point is that most of these children have minor, correctable, or cosmetic "imperfections" and as a result of being designated "special needs", are considered to be less "adoptable" than normal, healthy, "perfect" children. The wait times for these children are much, much shorter than typical international wait times - six months to a year in most cases! - and there are over 2,000 children on the list. Also, sometimes the "special need" is that the child is simply older. Say over the age of 4. There are literally thousands of kids on this list waiting for a loving home, and contrary to the infant adoption program in China, where most of the babies are girls (overwhelmingly girls), there are a large number of boys awaiting adoption in this program. I am having daydreams of adopting a little boy from China right now... But.
You knew there had to be a caveat, right? The "but" is that Chinese adoption laws require that both parents be over the age of 30. :: facepalm :: Allen fails this requirement. However, this works in our favor because it can take a year to assemble your international dossier to submit to the Waiting Child program, so we can do all the leg work now and be ready to go the day Allen turns 30. I'm not sure what all goes in to the dossier - we'll find out in a month or so, I guess - but I know you need things like certified copies of birth certificates and such. You also need to file applications with the state department for a visa for your new child, and get travel authorization and those kinds of things. Also, the home study for an international, Hague accredited adoption is much more extensive than a domestic home study. I'll be getting in to the details of what's required for the home study as we get further in to the process, but I do know you need a background and criminal record check from everywhere you've ever lived, ever. It's a lot of paperwork.
I'm positive that Barker participates in the Waiting Child program as well. The reason that I'm leaning heavily towards Datz is two-fold. First, and most importantly, we can still search for a domestic adoption through Parent Profiles (or similar) while we are preparing our international dossier. If we were to adopt or have a biological child in the interim between now and when Allen turns 30, we'd need to update our home study, but otherwise we would still stay on track for adopting a Waiting Child. Second, and this is less important, but still a consideration, is the fees charged by each agency. Datz charges a flat fee. Barker has a sliding scale, but it has never been directly stated that there is an upper or lower limit to this scale. I have heard anecdotal evidence that there is not necessarily an upper limit, which could mean a significant expense for us as DINKs (double income, no kids). We are very lucky to have the jobs and income we have, but the reality of the situation is that it won't always be this way. We are seriously considering dropping down to one salary when we have kids, at least short term, so we need to maximize our savings now in preparation for that eventuality.
As long as we've been discussing adoption, I've been hoping that we would one day have a multi-cultural house. I'm not actually sure what the correct terminology is, and I don't want to offend, but I think it's so important for kids to have exposure to different races, cultures, creeds, etc., whether it's through school or travel or family. I just envisioned that our kids would be exposed to it closer to home. I really feel like we are on our way to realizing that dream. We'll be doing a lot of discussing in the next few weeks, as a couple, but also with our families and friends, before we make our final decision. I expect we'll be starting paperwork, whether with Datz or Barker in early January. In the mean time, I'll be investigating what exactly "sliding scale" means, and gathering up addresses from every place either of us have ever lived. I feel a little bit like Dorothy at the very beginning of the Yellow Brick Road as it spirals out into the unknown. I do know that there is a new Baby P waiting in the Emerald City!
"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." -Lao Tzu
We're stepping.
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