Crazy dreams.

I had a dream last night that I took a pregnancy test and it came up positive. I got really excited so I took another and it was positive, too, but the indicator was weird. I said something like "near peak" instead of just being a plus sign. I looked again and realized I had been taking ovulation predictor tests. I felt really embarrassed and let down and I tried to sweep everything in the trash before Allen saw so his hopes wouldn't get raised.

It was such a weird dream. Allen couldn't care less about having a biological child. He prefers adoption. He wouldn't say no to a bio kid, obviously, but it was such an irrational thing for dream-me to worry about given that real-him doesn't put much stock in biology.

This is part of the reason I didn't want to go down the "infertility" path. First: You can't un-know. Once you know something is actually wrong with you, it gnaws at your brain. Even when you are asleep. Second: It puts me in this weird limbo of kind of mourning not being able to get pregnant but also really excited about adoption. It makes me feel a bit defensive when I talk to people about adoption because it isn't a last resort for us. It's not like we tried and tried and tried and finally "gave up". We always wanted to adopt. But because I have investigated the reasons behind not getting pregnant, I feel like I have to justify myself.

Would I like to get pregnant? Of course. Do I need to get pregnant? Absolutely not. I'm going to chalk this up to jitters since we are finally and irrevocably on our way to adopting. Our paperwork is almost finished - just need a few fingerprints and physicals. So maybe this is just my crazy brain getting excited about adopting but scared that it will fall through? I'm actually willing to bet that's it. I got pregnant and had a miscarriage, so maybe I'm a little scared that we might have an adoptive miscarriage, too.

At any rate, I'm just feeling lucky that I didn't accidentally wet the bed after a long, drawn out dream about peeing on a stick. That would have been tough to explain.