I'm trying to decide where I fall. I am halfway between feeling really bullied and feeling persuaded by sound and logical reasoning. The short version of the days' appointment is that the baby is doing great (they didn't even leave me hooked up to the non-stress test for a full 20 minutes because he's so obviously fine in there), my cervix is posterior so they couldn't really tell if I was effaced or dilated (but the general opinion is no on both), and while the baby has dropped some (I went from measuring 42 cm to measuring 40 cm), he's still not that far down in my pelvis.
So here's the part where we make "a plan". See, I thought that everyone would just leave me alone until I hit 42 weeks and then we'd start talking about intervening. This is why I wanted midwives. I thought that doctors would be in my face about interventions starting at 38 weeks and that midwives would understand that babies come on their own schedule and would leave me be. This is not how it works. The midwives have been discussing what to do if I go late since my 38 week check up. And at my 40 week and 6 day check up, they started talking about more aggressive measures. I am now scheduled for the &^%#*@ AFI, which I strongly and vehemently protested. But the midwives (and the back up doctor) were absolutely adamant that I needed it on file. I won't go into another long rant about this ridiculous "diagnostic". I know you are as tired of hearing it as I am of saying it. I'll just say that I do not intend to let anyone make decisions about my healthcare based on this number, and I plan on doing my utmost to skew the test in my favor, including drinking as much water as I can possibly hold.
The next items we discussed were a foley catheter to mechanically open my cervix - I'm sure it's as pleasant as it sounds. Then castor oil, acupuncture, evening primrose oil, (ahem) "relations" with my husband, and finally cervadil (a chemical cervical ripener). I balked at all of these. Well, not all, but I'm trying to be delicate as this is a family blog. ;-)
I spent a lot of the past two days crying and feeling like the midwives and doctor were ruining my pregnancy. I was so upset yesterday, in fact, that I was ready to pack the car, drive to The Farm in Tennessee, and beg Ina May to deliver my baby. I have loved being pregnant and am in no huge hurry to expel this baby from my uterus. So having everyone up in my business about getting him out now is upsetting to me, to say the least. Plus, and this is the naked and bare truth of the matter: I am terrified of the medical machinery we have in place for mothers and babies. I am terrified of the hospital, terrified of the interventions, terrified of a c-section. And terrified that they will pull out "your baby could die" and either a) I'll buy into it and end up doing more harm to myself and my child, or b) not buy into it and end up doing more harm to myself and my child. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
So, after all of this upset, including a tear-filled conversation with one of the midwives about feeling bullied (my tears, not hers), I decided I needed an attitude adjustment. I considered calling my oldest friends' mother - a midwife who has delivered many babies - and asking for a second opinion. Then I realized I already knew what she would say. "Get the damn foley catheter! At least it keeps you out of the hospital and off the pitocin!" My "inner Joan" led me down the right path, as I knew she would. I have been obsessing over my fears about the medical machinery, and I've been spending a lot of time worried that I would be caught up and chewed through by that machinery. But what I needed to do was look at it from the other angle. The midwives are doing the lowest tech interventions that they possibly can in a bid to keep me out of the medical model. I should be willing to help them reach that goal, rather than fighting them every step of the way.
So while I am not thrilled to be doing any of this, I am feeling better about taking steps to keep this birth out of the hospital. I am waiting for a call back from the acupuncturist and hoping for an appointment sometime between Sunday and Tuesday. I'm going to try castor oil after that and then probably cervadil. I think I'll skip the foley catheter as I have some experience with catheters in reproductive organs (testing done last year for infertility) and it was excruciating. We're also going on walks and swims this weekend in an effort to move things along, as well as taking evening primrose oil. I think if I show the midwives that I am ready and willing to cooperate, I have a much better chance of putting my foot down about the induction timeline. You have to pick your battles, so I'm choosing mine to be that I get until Saturday morning before I go to the hospital.
The best outcome, of course, would be for me to go into labor this weekend or Monday morning and make all of this moot. Everyone keep your fingers crossed for that one!
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